[For Clarke] remember how it felt being in the sun

[to_survive]

Normally Bellamy didn't give a damn about comfort or propriety or anything else when it came to sex. On the Ark comfort was fleeting, and on the ground he'd indulged in his baser instincts when time allowed.

Now that he's free to do whatever he wants in Darrow, it's made sex a little more complicated. There's a completely different set of expectations between men and women here and he'd floundered his way through a few dates, trying to feel out those expectations. It was both frustrating and exhilarating, especially when he met someone he found he didn't mind spending too much time with, especially when Clarke had cut him out.

They're speaking again, but things are still a little delicate.

Jamie is anything but. She entertains Bellamy, her laugh and red hair brightening his apartment the short time she's in it. Having her around is nice, but he doesn't mind her saying she has to take off when he gets out of the shower, pants and t-shirt on even though his hair still drips water down his neck.

She also know show to keep from drawing things out, which Bellamy appreciates. She's collected her things and is out the door within minutes, saying she might call later.

He might even look forward to it.

Comments

[willbetested]

Her hand is poised to knock when it swings open. The smile on her face immediately brightens as she starts to leap right into the thought she wanted to share with Bellamy, something light and kind of useless, but interesting nonetheless.

Just as easily it slips off her face, surprise and hurt rushing across rapid succession. Her hand drops to her side. "You're not Bellamy," she says to the girl, who is all bright and shiny and whole.

As Clarke steps back, the girl smiles and shakes her head holding the door open even as she steps over the threshold. "Nope. He's inside. Nice to meet you."

Standing there a little stunned, Clarke simply nods as the girl walks down the hall and disappears from sight. Something sharp has coiled around her heart, stabbing her chest, but she forces it down. "Bellamy?" she calls stepping inside the apartment. Her tone is too bright, to chipper, but she needs to get through this.

[to_survive]

Bellamy doesn't expect to hear a voice again, and certainly doesn't expect that voice to be Clarke's. The timing means it can only be Jamie who let her in, and he isn't sure why, but the idea of it makes his stomach sink a little. He isn't ashamed about it nor did he ever hide it on the ground, but it almost feels like this part of him is something separate from Clarke.

He steps out of his bedroom, one arm in the sweater he'd been putting on (no matter how much he adjust the temperature, he's either too hot or freezing), and gives Clarke a brief smile. However he feels, Bellamy's just glad Clarke is back to making her way up to his apartment at random hours of the day. It sets the loneliness and guilt that weighs him down at bay.

"Hey."

[willbetested]

Closing the door behind her Clarke uses a little more time than necessary to bring order to her thoughts. It was just some girl. She knew that Bellamy did this sort of thing, had seen it happen during their first days on the ground. But that was before. This was now.

How stupid could she have been to expect something to change? Everything was easier, why not sex too?

Taking a deep breath, she turns around and walks further into his apartment. Ignoring the way her hands tighten themselves into defensive fists at the sight of the sweater she gave him half on, her heart skipping a beat at the rest of his chest, the lack of wounds still amazing.

She fixes a bright smile onto her face. "I didn't mean to catch you in the middle of something," she says as she waves to his wet, messy hair. Her attempts to sound casual are failing, the chipperness a little hollow. "Or scare your guest away. I can come back later."

[to_survive]

"No," Bellamy responds easily. He pulls the rest of the sweater on, tugging the sleeves up his forearms. "She was leaving anyway."

There's something odd in Clarke's voice and in the set of her shoulders, but he can't put a finger on it. Probably the awkwardness or discomfort of realizing what had been going on, and he can't blame her. He'd probably feel the same if their roles were reversed.

He attempts to bring some order to his hair, brushing it back and out of his face. "You want something to drink?" he asks, gesturing to the kitchen.

[willbetested]

"Oh, okay. And yeah, sure. Drink would be good."

Clarke desperately wants her brain to start supplying normal words to her mouth. The wires are getting crossed and not for the first time she wishes Raven was there to work her mechanical magic, despite the fact that the wires are literal.

Following him towards the kitchen, she hooks her thumbs in loops of her jean shorts to keep herself from gesturing wildly. The urge to move her limbs is strong, just as is the will to run away. Too late now. She's got to carry on and pray for normal. "I didn't know that you still did that sort of thing."

[to_survive]

Bellamy's got the fridge door open when Clarke asks her question, and it makes him pause. It's not the sort of question he ever really expected to hear, but he shouldn't be surprised. He straightens up, arm resting on the door as he looks back at Clarke. This is what he gets for making her talk to him again. Questions that shouldn't be awkward but make him want to curl up and hide behind the door until she stops looking at him with that expectant gaze.

"I'm an adult," he says, picking his words carefully because so many of them will just make him sound terrible, like the shittier version of himself Clarke first met. "We do that sort of thing."

[willbetested]

Asking had been a mistake. The moment the words had come out of her mouth, Clarke had known that. Yet she had been unable to stop herself. It's petty and small, but she wants to know more so hopefully she can feel less.

Leaning against the kitchen doorframe, she narrows her eyes, smile flickering. "I'm an adult and I don't," she points out trying to make her words sound flippant and easy.

Sleeping around has never held any real appeal for her. Sure, some hot guy or stunning girl might come along and make her reconsider, but she's always associated sex with trust. Things with Finn might've ended rocky, but she did trust him. "It's no big deal, I was just wondering. Are you dating her?"

[to_survive]

He doesn't want to think about Clarke doing any sleeping around. Nor does he want to have to come up with excuses about his own actions, though why he has to at all is a question in itself. And why he feels uncomfortable about it is another.

"I've seen her a couple of times," he answers, turning around and ducking back into the fridge to grab the carton of orange juice he'd been getting earlier, before Clarke blindsided him.

[willbetested]

"Oh." Her voice is still overly chipper even as she repeats the word. "Oh."

It doesn't make it any better. Knowing more information isn't helping all. The sharp pain is moving south towards the pit of her stomach and she doesn't really want to think about what that means. What any of this means. She's trying to convince herself that all of this coming from a place of simple platonic caring, that she just has his best interests at heart and not any sort of ulterior motive

What a crock of lies.

Forcing herself to move, she takes the few steps towards the cabinets opening the one that holds the glasses. Moving helps, it gives her something else to focus on. Reaching up to take down a pair of glasses, her back is partially turned to him when she speaks again. "Don't you think you're being a little irresponsible? I think you should be careful and consider this girl's feelings. Like what if she wants something serious. It isn't like before."

[to_survive]

Where was this coming from?

Sure, it makes sense for Clarke to care about what he did, and he cares about what she does as well, but the sudden lecture seems out of place. Knowing he had sex with a few girls on the ground didn't mean she knew enough to assume he was a complete idiot and terrible person to be attached to.

"There's nothing irresponsible about having sex with someone," he says, setting the carton down with a care that contrasts the tightness in his voice. "If she wants something serious and I don't, then I'll tell her so."

[willbetested]

The glasses are still in her hands as she turns around, suddenly bristling a bit. Her smile has disappeared, replaced by a disappointed frown. None of this is what she had been hoping to feel when she'd started picking at Bellamy and this girl, but righteous indignation is better than the alternative. Jealousy isn't something that she's comfortable with.

"That's not what I meant. Sex by itself isn't irresponsible, it's the circumstances," she points out, voice raising just a bit as she turns to scolding. "Bellamy, somebody could get hurt."

[to_survive]

"You mean I'm going to hurt some poor innocent girl who doesn't know any better," Bellamy corrects, because that's sure as hell what it feels like Clarke is saying.

Her faith in him is overwhelming.

[willbetested]

"Now you're just twisting my words," Clarke accuses turning put the glasses on the counter, placing them delicately despite the fact that she kind of wants to smash them. Even upset she can't bring herself to be wasteful.

"Maybe it's not going to be the hot redhead this time, maybe it's going to be someone else. I don't know." She folds her arms tightly against her chest and scowls up at him. "Just be careful. This doesn't just effect you."

[to_survive]

"I'm pretty well aware of that," Bellamy responds, returning her anger even as he still tries to figure out why it's cropped up so suddenly.

Because of Octavia he'd never brought any girls home, and after he lost her and his mother...well, he couldn't bring anyone into that empty home. His life with women had been solely his own, and having Clarke insert herself into it felt like an intrusion.

"Sometimes you like a person and it goes somewhere. Sometimes sex is just sex and a good time. As long as we're on the same page, it's fine. No unnecessarily hurt feelings."

[willbetested]

Pressing her lips together Clarke holds herself a little tighter. Her jaw is clenched, her frown engulfing her entire face. Swallowing thickly she thinks about what he said, what she's just done.

All of the things he said might be valid and true for him, but they are not true for her. Caring is all she's got and it makes her mad. Sex is painful and so worth it, but not something to just be done and the person discarded.

"Too late for that," she spits pushing herself away from the counter, inadvertently taking a step towards him. "You know what, whatever Bellamy. Screw whoever you want. Fuck your way through Darrow. I'm the idiot who cares. I should go."

[to_survive]

When Clarke moves toward him, Bellamy steps away, bumping into the counter behind him -- both as response to her movement and in surprise.

"Where the fuck is this coming from?" Bellamy voices his earlier thought, irritation quickly melting away. "And one woman does not mean I'm screwing my way through anything."

[willbetested]

Stepping back once she rolls her eyes in exasperation. Everything she's already said feels like a glaring admission of guilt and he should have picked up on that. The fact that he hasn't doesn't make it any less easy to be mad at him instead of properly dealing with it.

Wringing her hands, she's already starting to back out of the kitchen, making good on her declaration of leaving when the words come out in an angry rush. "Because I hate that it was her instead of me."

A second later she realizes what she said, eyes widening in horror as she covers her mouth as if that could take them back.

[to_survive]

Bellamy's mouth works but no sound comes out. He's gone completely blank for a moment as the impact of what Clarke has said hits him, and her behavior makes sense.

Despite her growing importance in his life, he'd never thought of her as just another girl to sleep with, nor did he think even if he wanted more that it would be reciprocated. Being friends and partners with Clarke had always been its own reward, and he steered clear of developing any feelings for her, especially with Finn around.

He knew he'd failed at that when he watched her walk away from Camp Jaha, but he kept whatever confused feelings he had hidden away here. She was the most important thing in his life, and the idea that she might even be a little jealous of him in some way that meant maybe she felt something?

He doesn't know what to say.

[willbetested]

Clarke can't believe it. It's one thing to feel the way she does, it's an entirely different matter admitting what she felt aloud. Her heart is pounding In her chest. All she wants is for him to say something.

Then again his lack of immediate reply is also a blessing. She doesn't know if she can stand to deal with a gentle let down right then. Everything is overwhelming enough as is.

That's why she manages to make herself move, doing the one thing that feels right: she flees, rushing out of the kitchen and his apartment. Being alone is the best thing right now.