[For Clarke]

[to_survive]

As wrapped up as he can get in his own head, Bellamy knows he's no different from any other person around. He has good days and he has bad days, and he's lucky enough to have friends around for both.

The bad days have been outnumbering the good lately; it seems that Bellamy can't go a few days without another nightmare, without the guilt that's seemed to rear its ugly head and lodge itself permanently beneath his ribs. He may not have the word on his back anymore, but he knows its still there and it will never really fade away. It's always been there.

When the good days come around, though, they're exceptionally good. Bellamy can forget his guilt for a while, can indulge himself in the world around him, enjoy the small life he's built here with Clarke and, now, Raven. He wishes every single day that Octavia and anyone else could be here with them, that he could just see their faces once again, but on good days the guilt isn't enough to overwhelm him. It fades into the background.

On good days, there are clear skies and the city and Clarke.

That, too, is a living thing stuck behind his breastbone, marked in a million different ways: their comfort around each other, their routine, the weight they each carry for the lives they've taken and lost and saved. Her back is smooth and unmarked as he runs a light hand over it, but he knows she carries those words within her as much as he does.

The bed creaks as Bellamy shifts enough to lean over and press a kiss on the back of Clarke's neck, and he smiles briefly before giving her a light bite. "You should stay home tomorrow. Call in sick."

Comments

[willbetested]

Her skin still itches. It's a deep sensation, one that she can't scratch away, like the words that were so deeply burned there. They might be gone, but Clarke will always feel them. A memory of all that she's done. A forgiveness she can never fully have no matter how long the string of good days is.

Even sleep isn't the respite it should be. There are too many old problems her mind wishes it could solve.

She shivers slightly at his hand on her back, warmed by the touch. Her eyes are still closed, a syrupy smile sliding onto her face as she feels his lips on her neck. Squirming at the bite, she laughs as she shakes her head. "Oh yeah? Call and say, 'Sorry Dr. L, my boyfriend gave me food poisoning so that I'd stay home with him'?"

[to_survive]

"Yes," Bellamy says soundly, grinning as he props himself up with an elbow, his hand back to tracing patterns on Clarke's back. "I get the feeling she'd understand."

Dr. L seemed supportive enough of him being in Clarke's life, and there are some things Bellamy's okay with taking advantage of with only the slightest of guilt.

"Or you can call it a special Ark Holiday, one where you need to be home to spend it with loved ones."

[willbetested]

"She probably would."

Her boss is many things, brilliant doctor among them, but Dr. L does have a tendency to get a little wrapped up in what Clarke has learned can be called rom com scenarios. It's not nearly as menacing as she'd first thought it was. It's kind of great to have a boss so supportive of her relationship. It just confirms the rightness of it all.

Squirming a little bit, she frowns at the mention of an Ark holiday. It's been over a year since she's celebrated a Unity Day, but it still feels weird. Brushing it off, she smiles as she rolls over. "Our version of Christmas, but with fewer presents and celebrated in summer. That might work."

[to_survive]

"Exactly." Bellamy returns Clarke's smile. It's a little bittersweet, making up the idea of a holiday when there had been few enough of those left on the Ark. Seeing the extravagant way people celebrated any excuse for a holiday in Darrow sometimes only made him miss the simpler ones he'd celebrated as a kid. "Really, we could make up anything and nobody would think twice."

[willbetested]

Bellamy's smile makes her heart flutter in her chest, a warm feeling rushing through her entire body that can't be attributed to still being in bed. She feels too lucky to get to wake up next to him everyday. It doesn't feel like something she'll ever get used to.

"Probably not. Or if they did, they wouldn't say anything," she agrees as she leans forward to kiss him lightly. "I won't say it's not tempting."

[to_survive]

"Gotta cut loose and have some fun every now and then." Sometimes just tempting Clarke is reward enough, and Bellamy grins, slipping an arm around her waist to keep her close when they kiss. It's moments like this, when the entire world boils down to this apartment, this room, this bed and the two of them, that Bellamy likes best. Everything else -- especially in his own head -- falls away.

"You could also be honest and just tell Dr. L you need a day off to stay in bed with your extremely handsome and talented boyfriend."

[willbetested]

"Hey, I know how to have fun." Clarke's protesting is half-hearted at best, a pointless echo of similar ones made when they had been new on the ground. They are almost totally different people now, that version of herself is a stranger, even if she misses some parts every now and then. This isn't one of those times. No, right now is when she is glad to be here, glad to have this and have him.

Reaching up she brushes the hair out of his eyes, running her fingers absently along the freckles that dot his cheekbones. "Honesty is the best policy," she nods solemnly, trying to not smile as she does so. It's a complete failure. "I think I could go for that. I'm all for being upfront about telling my boss I'm taking a personal day because my boyfriend begged me to and I love him enough to say yes."

[to_survive]

"Yeah?" Bellamy's grin is half sincere, half sheer need to hide exactly how startled he is by what Clarke's just said.

He has no doubt of his own feelings toward Clarke and what they have between them; they've just never said anything out loud. Not that Bellamy feels the need to. There's enough between them, a bond strong enough that things can go unsaid and still understood.

But there's something to be said for the thrill he gets hearing it out loud, he realizes.

"What other perks are there for being in love with Clarke Griffin?"

[willbetested]

Those words, so particular and poignant, had just slipped free. It's only when Bellamy echoes back at her, does Clarke realize the gravity of what she'd said. Nothing about her wants to take it back, but it is strange to say it so quietly. The last person she'd said it to had been Finn. Finn had loved her easily, had loved everyone easily. Clarke knows that she didn't mean them quiet the same way he had as she'd told him, slipping the knife between his ribs not long after.

But this. She means them so much that it scares her. A blush creeps across her cheeks, a warm flush spreading through her even as she lets her smile break free.

She does love Bellamy. It feels good to say it. "Yeah," she nods slightly. "Besides me calling out sick for you? I don't know, I think me being here is pretty good. A promise that I'm not going to attempt to cook for you?" She laughs softly. "I think I can think of a few more. Having Clarke Griffin be in love with you is a good gig."

[to_survive]

"It has been a pretty damn good gig so far," Bellamy agrees. That feels like a vast understatement; like there aren't words good enough to describe just how good it feels to know he isn't alone and that he's lucky enough to have Clarke by his side, feeling the same.

Sometimes he doesn't think he deserves to be this lucky. Tonight, Bellamy's accepting that maybe he can have something this good. He's learned -- has had it drilled through his thick skull -- that Clarke doesn't choose lightly, that if she cares for him, it's because there's something worth caring for. He's done some pretty goddamn terrible things in his life, but if Clarke Griffin loves him, then maybe he's not all bad.

"What do I have to do to keep it?"

[willbetested]

"I'm glad." Her voice is soft, just above a whisper. It feels like a secret has just been shared, something small and fragile. Clarke loves unconditionally, but it has never been easy for her. It was easy for Wells and Finn and look where they both ended up. Her dad could love like a hurricane. For her, it always feels like she couldn't give it enough.

But Bellamy, Bellamy leaves her feeling like she could move the world for him. That she has and would. It's equal, not overwhelming and more than anything she wants to make it say.

She shakes her head. "Nothing. Just be you. I love you no matter what."

[to_survive]

"That's all?" Bellamy asks, smiling as he shifts to pull Clarke as close as possible, lining their bodies up until it feels like he's in touch with every single inch of her skin. Being this close on a daily basis is intoxicating, and hasn't gotten old. It probably never will -- at least, he hopes so.

"Nothing else? No treating you like a queen?" he teases. Bellamy knows what Clarke means, and feels much the same; she doesn't need to do anything but be herself -- he can't help but love Clarke as she is.

[willbetested]

"That's all."

Wrinkling her nose at the suggestion that she be treated like royalty. Long ago, Finn had coined the nickname 'princess' and she can still hear the mocking way that Bellamy had once used it against her. It's not bad, it just chafes against the part of her that knows how far from true it is.

"No. Definitely not. Besides," she gives him a little nudge. "If I'm queen wouldn't that make you king?"

[to_survive]

"I'm not going to disagree with that conclusion." Bellamy's teasing for the most part, the idea of being in charge of anything taking him back to those first few tyrannical days on the ground. His own misguided attempt at enjoying what he'd thought were his last days alive.

"I'll get you a crown," he adds, kissing Clarke's forehead. "Sloth Burger has those paper ones they give to kids, I think you could pull it off."

[willbetested]

That makes Clarke laugh. Of course he wouldn't disagree. Especially during those first few days on the ground, Bellamy had quickly established himself as something of a rebel king among the delinquents. They've now just met in the middle. "I should've guessed that."

Rolling her eyes slightly he kisses her forehead, she continues. "It needs more glitter. If you want me to wear a crown, then I'm making my own thank you."

[to_survive]

Bellamy lets out a laugh, not surprised one bit by Clarke's answer. "Then I'll get you some paper, some glue, and whole bunch of glitter," he tells her. "We'll crown you queen of this apartment, Raven can witness."

[willbetested]

"Be careful what you wish for. Glitter is a blessing and a curse," she warns with mock solemnity. Her admonishment quickly evaporates into a laugh. "Raven could probably make us one out of metal. Provided we make her duchess of the sofa or something."